My Facebook account has been giving me trouble today. For some reason the app is not working on my phone and when a large portion of what I do with the initiative is done through the Celebrate Recovery Mental Health Facebook page my day becomes much more complicated.
I don’t know why it’s happening and I can’t seem to fix it. I have been able to do some work on my laptop which has helped but something strange happened today. My inbox became loaded up. Suddenly months’ worth of messages through the page appeared. I have messages going back to last year!
I haven’t had a chance to go through all of them yet and I won’t be able to get to most of them until tomorrow. So if you haven’t heard from me. It’s not you…it’s me.
I can’t help it when technology messes up, and I can’t go back in time to fix it, but I still find myself frustrated about missing all of these messages. It has more to do with my own feelings of self-worth than anything. I constantly struggle with feeling like I am not doing enough. I want to do more! I have so many ideas in my head about all of the ways that I can help people like myself who struggle with mental health issues. I picture everything from writing blog posts to writing laws around mental health reform. I can think of one time events and long term ministry opportunities. There are so many things that I want to do!
So when something like this Facebook mess-up comes along I can’t help but feel as if I had the chance to do more but I missed it. I hate the feeling of missing an opportunity to make an impact. This is what God has called me to do after all. I want to be a part of change.
People tell me I am brave for sharing the things I do about my mental health. I have a hard time feeling brave. I share my story because I am afraid. Afraid of wasting what I have been through. Afraid of missing the chance to lower the suffering of someone else that is walking where I have been.
Today I am having a hard time letting go. Knowing that God is in charge and ultimately I am not able to save anyone. Sometimes I lack the faith in God that says He can handle these situations. And so I sit and think of all of the things that I am meant to do and become paralyzed by the overwhelming weight of those tasks. I’m expending more energy thinking about what I can’t get done, than energy on what I actually do.
God, I know you are in control. God, I want you to be in control. But I also want you to use me. Help me be what I am meant to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.
God I believe, help my unbelief.
National Director of Mental Health for Celebrate Recovery