A time to shine.

Today I experienced a first. For the first time in my life I submitted an application for a grant.

It isn’t a huge grant, as far as some grants go, but it is a huge grant to me. From a cash perspective it is important. However there is something far more valuable to me about this process. The reason for the value is because this is an art grant.

I requested funding for some equipment that will greatly improve my ability to produce some photography. Photography has been a part of my life since I was young. My Grandfather was an amateur photographer and I was both impressed by his gifting and fascinated by his technical ability as well. I was too young to help him process film but as far as I was concerned when he went into his dark room in the basement of his house, I was convinced that what he was doing behind that door was nothing short of a miracle.

The impression that experience had on me, led me to volunteer for my high school’s yearbook staff. Taking pictures was one of the few things that I was actually interested in during that time in my life. The thing is though, up until recently, the majority of my art (I also paint and woodwork) was done with the idea that I could create something and then discard it or tuck it away. Occasionally I would give something away as a gift but for the most part I didn’t share it.

I didn’t share it because I didn’t think it was worth sharing. I didn’t see what I did as having much value. My art was a reflection of me. I didn’t think I had value.

That is why this grant application is such a big deal for me. This is the first time I am actually taking action on an idea that involves my art. My art is a reflection of me. I know that I have value.

And something that is also exciting is the idea that the project I want to complete with this grant will include my daughter. She will be working alongside me in this venture. I get to be a part of helping my daughter to realize some of the value that is inside her.

Whether this grant comes through or not, I have an opportunity. I get to share something that God has placed in me. How that plays out may change from what I have for a concept, but either way, I am able to see God working. And I am rejoicing in the fact that today I made a step forward. I have a victory already.

I was sharing with a friend this past week my frustration with my ability to complete some of the things I want to complete. A lot of negative thought was going through my head and I shared that I felt like I was failing and I was never going to accomplish anything worthwhile. They asked me, “If you succeed at being a failure, are you then successful? Or are you a failure? Are you a successful failure or a failing success?” This helped because it showed me the ridiculousness of my thoughts. It also challenged me to look closely at what I have accomplished in my life. To honestly look at all of the things I am able to enjoy because of the work that God has done in me, and the effort that I have put into me. I still have a long way to go. I am far from perfect. Just because I am not perfect doesn’t mean I am worthless. Today I took a big step. I stepped up and said I have something beautiful inside of me and I want to share it.

We are all created in the image of God. We are a reflection of HIM. Let the beautiful that is inside of you shine bright like the sun. Share what makes you…you.

Nate Stewart

National Director of Mental Health for Celebrate Recovery

Child and Adolescent Suicide: Something No One Wants to Talk About

I recently found myself walking among peace and serenity, in a quiet and seemingly forgotten older area of downtown. I walked in an out of the rows of names painstakingly etched beautifully into the marble, stone, and other materials that were used to make headstones back in the 1800 and 1900’s. I was walking in a cemetery, fascinated by the names, dates, and stories etched on those stones. However, what soon caught my eye were the number of children and young adults who were laid to rest within. Statues of lambs, dates which were too close together. And my mind began to wander.

My mind began to wander to the recent story of the 9-year-old boy who ended his life after coming home from school following weeks of bullying. To the 16 and 12-year-old who ended their lives while playing the horrible WhatsApp Momo Suicide Game. The countless others who have ended their lives due to this game and the Blue Whale challenge, another suicide game. To one of the most heartbreaking ones, the 6-year-old little girl who ended her life after announcing to her family that she was going to do it. This is not the complete list. There are SO  many other heartbreaking stories that I could share, but that would take an entire encyclopedia.

Suicides among youth occur once every 5 days according to the latest CDC study from 2015. The latest findings (click here to view the source) show that suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for youth ages 10-14 and for ages 15-24 as of 2016. It is no longer the third leading cause. It has now increase to the SECOND. Studies also show that approximately 76% of those youth who ended their life were boys. However, keep in mind that more females attempt suicide than males, yet more males are successful.


So, what should we do to help lower these numbers? To help protect our children? This is one of the reasons why it is so important to have programs such as Celebration Place for our children, “pre-covery” if you will. We want our children to know that it’s OKAY to talk about their feelings. It’s okay to feel normal, to struggle with identifying feelings, to struggle with coping. In my experience in counseling younger children, I’ve seen and heard the heartbreaking things they say and feel. I allow them a safe place to talk and express things through play and through their imagination. I give them the attention that they need and deserve.

As adults, we are responsible for providing much of this for our children. Yet, when I am out and about, I see so many adults on their phones, giving their children electronics to play with and keep them occupied, and shushing their children when their children are desperate for attention and someone to talk to. If we continue treating our children as if they are not important, as if they don’t matter, they will grow up thinking and feeling this way. Don’t agree? Just ask some of the adults who struggle with this very thing and have been struggling since childhood. As children we were taught to always pretend to be happy, to just “buck up” and “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” Or my absolute non-favorite, “You’re too young to feel/think that way.”

I want to share with you a video. In the state of Georgia, there have been at least 23 youth suicides to date. That’s 23 SINCE JANUARY! Remember, suicide is now the second leading cause of death in this age group. So how can we prevent it? By knowing the signs. By talking to our children. Opening the door for conversation, spending time with them, providing them with that safe place to just feel and be a kid or an adolescent. In one of the most difficult times with the rise of technology and social media, it’s so important to monitor social media and how our children are treating others and being treated. Let us start paying more attention to them and less attention to our own social media. Their lives are just as important if not more.

This video is a public service announcement done in light of the large number of youth ending their lives in Georgia. Please watch the entire video and help to save the lives of our children and adolescents. They are the foundation of our world, of our future.


Youth Suicide Prevention Video for Parents (click here to see the video)

:Trigger warning, strong situations discussed:

*Note: The phone number listed on the video is the Georgia crisis and Access line. If you are not in the state of Georgia, you can call 1-800-273-8255 to reach the National Suicide Hotline in the United States or text START to 741741. If you are international, please call the crisis and access lines in your area.


April Brantley, CR Mental Health Team X-Factor


Luke 18:16 NIV

Feeling less than today

My Facebook account has been giving me trouble today. For some reason the app is not working on my phone and when a large portion of what I do with the initiative is done through the Celebrate Recovery Mental Health Facebook page my day becomes much more complicated.

I don’t know why it’s happening and I can’t seem to fix it. I have been able to do some work on my laptop which has helped but something strange happened today. My inbox became loaded up. Suddenly months’ worth of messages through the page appeared. I have messages going back to last year!

I haven’t had a chance to go through all of them yet and I won’t be able to get to most of them until tomorrow. So if you haven’t heard from me. It’s not you…it’s me.

I can’t help it when technology messes up, and I can’t go back in time to fix it, but I still find myself frustrated about missing all of these messages. It has more to do with my own feelings of self-worth than anything. I constantly struggle with feeling like I am not doing enough. I want to do more! I have so many ideas in my head about all of the ways that I can help people like myself who struggle with mental health issues. I picture everything from writing blog posts to writing laws around mental health reform. I can think of one time events and long term ministry opportunities. There are so many things that I want to do!

So when something like this Facebook mess-up comes along I can’t help but feel as if I had the chance to do more but I missed it. I hate the feeling of missing an opportunity to make an impact. This is what God has called me to do after all. I want to be a part of change.

People tell me I am brave for sharing the things I do about my mental health. I have a hard time feeling brave. I share my story because I am afraid. Afraid of wasting what I have been through. Afraid of missing the chance to lower the suffering of someone else that is walking where I have been.

Today I am having a hard time letting go. Knowing that God is in charge and ultimately I am not able to save anyone. Sometimes I lack the faith in God that says He can handle these situations. And so I sit and think of all of the things that I am meant to do and become paralyzed by the overwhelming weight of those tasks. I’m expending more energy thinking about what I can’t get done, than energy on what I actually do.

God, I know you are in control. God, I want you to be in control. But I also want you to use me. Help me be what I am meant to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.

God I believe, help my unbelief.


Nate Stewart

National Director of Mental Health for Celebrate Recovery



Someone is suicidal. What do I do?


Anyone and everyone can struggle with thoughts of suicide and suicidal ideation. I myself have struggled and sometimes still have those thoughts. And you know what? It’s OKAY to have those thoughts. It does not make anyone a bad person to admit they are having those thoughts. In fact, it shows a great sign of strength and courage for someone to come up to us and admit they are struggling. We have the potential to be the first line of support for someone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts. The great thing is that we don’t have to be professional experts to be able to help someone who admits they are struggling. We just need to be willing to be present with them and listen. Here are some tips to help you if someone admits to you they are suicidal.

  • If someone tells you they are suicidal, DO NOT ask them why. As much as I know you may be curious to know why they feel that way, the truth is, it doesn’t matter why they feel that way. All that matters is that they do. The “why” part is something that will be explored when the individual is in therapy with a professional. In fact, the person may not even know themselves or cannot explain it to you. By asking “why,” this can further isolate the individual through being perceived in a negative, condescending tone as if being asked “why are you suicidal…when you shouldn’t feel that way?” SAFETY is the main concern. We want to ensure that individual is safe and remains safe.
  • Do not promise to keep it a secret. This is one specific circumstance where confidentiality may be broken to keep the individual safe. You may need to reach out to someone else such as a close family member or emergency crisis personnel to be able to ensure the safety of the individual
  • Be direct. If they have not come out and said it, ask them “Are you thinking of suicide?” or “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” You are NOT going to trigger them to think about it or to do it because chances are, they are already thinking about it. By being direct, we can help them voice their thoughts by speaking openly and matter-of-fact about it, showing the individual that we are willing to talk about it and hear what they have to say.
  • Do not judge what they are saying. Actively listen to what they have to say without interruption. Often they feel as if they are not being heard and this may be their one chance to feel heard, to be safe. If they are willing to admit to you that they are struggling, then they are trusting you enough to be a safe place for them to talk. Don’t tell them whether suicide is right or wrong. Don’t tell them whether their feelings are valid or invalid. Their feelings are valid whether you believe they are rational or not. Their feelings are REAL to THEM. Don’t lecture them and try to force them to see your views or try to lecture them on the value of life. Remember, safety and creating a safe place for them to talk is the most important idea right now.
  • Do your best not to act shocked or surprised to hear that they are thinking of suicide. I also realize that this may also be difficult. However, do what you need to do to maintain a neutral, supportive stance if someone tells you that they are thinking about suicide. If the person sees that you are shocked, this may come off as judging and may isolate them further.
  • Don’t give them advice, try to fix how they are feeling, or try to fix their problem. It is not our responsibility to fix their feelings or their problems. It is our responsibility to love them unconditionally and provide them the support and care that they need. Just by listening we are giving them support. By keeping them safe we are giving them support. We are showing them that they matter, that they are important, and that they are worthy of our time, because they are. We are showing them that we care.
  • Ask them if they have a plan, and if they have the means to do it. If they do have a plan, ask them details. Ask if they intend to carry out that plan. The more you know, the more you will be able to assist in keeping them safe. If they have a plan, and they have an intent, DO NOT leave them alone. If they have the means to carry out their plan, take action to remove those items from them as peacefully as possible.
  • TAKE ACTION! This may be offering to call the Lifeline with them, or the crisis number that is available in your area if you are international. The Lifeline is routed to the closest one to your location and can assist with finding local crisis resources in your area (US only). This may be calling an emergency crisis response team. This may be contacting their closest relative or someone who will ensure they get the help they need and stay with them. The action will depend on each situation and each individual risk.

Helping someone who is suicidal does not have to be frightening and is not something that only mental health professionals can do. We can ALL be the light in someone’s darkness. Still want more experience? Speak with and interview a mental health professional who can give insight and additional experience on situations and what to do. Going through Mental Health First Aid class is also very beneficial. You can find local classes by clicking here.

Stay tuned the entire month to get more valuable information on suicide education and prevention. #nomorestigma

Crisis Lines:

National Suicide Lifeline1-800-273-8255 (In the United States)

Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741 (In the United States)

*International crisis lines may be unique to certain areas. Be sure you know the crisis lines and resources in your area.

-April Brantley, CR Mental Health Team X-Factor

Be You

Being a part of Celebrate Recovery gives me an awesome opportunity. Not just traveling around the country. Not just getting up and speaking in front of thousands of people. Not being invited to speak at churches and events that allow me to share space with some of my heroes.  These are all really cool things, but my greatest opportunity is witnessing change.

I get to interact with people every day that have lived their life in one way; often isolated, hopeless, ashamed, and fake. And then I get to see what has happened in recovery when a transformation has taken place and people who are isolated find community. People are finding hope and saying goodbye to shame. I see people becoming a better version of themselves; someone they are proud of being.

Especially over the last 2 months while attending the 2018 CR Summits, first in Tennessee and then again California, I had the opportunity to hear from hundreds of people who said that since the mental health initiative had begun in 2016 their lives were completely changed.

I had several people share with me that they finally felt like they were able to admit that they were taking medication without feeling that somehow they were failing God. I had people tell me that their marriage was able to be saved after hearing some of the things I had talked about in my story, that matched their own story, they went out and got assessed and received a diagnosis that for the first time explained some of their behaviors, and were now receiving treatments that allowed for real lasting change making room for restoration where only resentments had existed.

I can go on and on listing all of the amazing things that God is doing in the lives of people around the globe. And with every story I can rejoice because I see people realizing a value that they didn’t know they had.

But there has been one issue through this entire journey that has plagued me. For all of the change and hope and purpose I am able to see being realized in the lives of others, I often find it hard to realize that change in my own life. From a logical perspective I can say that yes I believe that I have purpose and value. And from an emotional perspective I can say that I have indeed felt the touch of God on my life and it is a wonderful experience. To know that God is using me with all of my shortcomings to effect change in this world is beyond words for me. The struggle that I keep running into is that my mind and the mental health issues that I have are easily my own worst enemy. I can go from feeling great one moment to feeling like a failure the next because my mind, my physical brain, does not function properly. I have to battle on a daily basis to keep myself on a path of health.

I also know that I am not the only one who struggles with this whether there is a mental health issue exacerbating the problem or not. Often it is easy to see the positive in the lives of others but not the positive in our own lives. To prove my point I suggest making two lists. On the first list write out all of the things you don’t like about yourself. This one tends to be pretty easy to do. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. Next make a list of all of the things you do like about yourself. Suddenly this task is getting more difficult. It is difficult because it isn’t practiced by the vast majority of us. But it should be!

I am not saying we have to walk around with our chests puffed out as if to tell the whole world we are awesome. We shouldn’t be arrogant. We should be humble. The struggle that I think most people run into is a misunderstanding of what humility actually is. Humility is having an accurate view of one’s self.  This doesn’t mean thinking that you are lowly and pitiful because that is self-focused and as a result prideful. This doesn’t mean you think you are the best at everything because that is self-focused and as a result prideful. This means realizing your place in this world as one of God’s creations; equal in value to those around you. It is ok to think that you are good at a task or bad at a task if it is accurate in regards to your abilities. But our ability to perform dose not dictate our value. Our Creator gives us our value! And if I cannot understand my value then I will struggle to see the positive that is in my life.

I need to practice this. I need it to be a part of my daily walk. I need to make a conscious choice to remember my value on a daily basis. If I want to combat the lies that are in my head that say, “I don’t matter”, then I need to have a realistic understanding of why I DO Matter.

Walking around the church campuses during summit this year had nothing to do with me getting my ego stroked. I am able to appreciate the work that God is doing in me which in turn allows me to serve Him in the way I do. And it is ok to agree with someone who acknowledges that work with a thank you. God has given me tools and an opportunity. It is not prideful to acknowledge what I do with those tools if I remember the source of those gifts. And if I recognize that there are gifts that God has given to everyone specifically for them to do some really cool stuff. We all have a purpose and we all have value equally and uniquely.

I urge you not to fall into the lie that you are the only one in the world who doesn’t matter. You do matter! And you have opportunities to use your God given abilities. You may just be having a hard time seeing those opportunities through the clouds of lies that float past our eyes. If that is you I want to offer a couple of things to help you start to clear out those clouds.

First…don’t talk to yourself the way your enemies would. Something my wife has helped me with over the years we’ve been together is calling me on my negativity by saying, “Don’t talk about my husband that way.” She wouldn’t want anyone else saying the things I say to myself so why should she allow me to do it either? Accountability in this is huge so ask someone for help in treating yourself better.

Next…If you get a compliment then accept it. Don’t call the person a liar by brushing off what they said because that is what is being done. Responding with thank you is also saying I value your opinion and your right to have an opinion. It is respectful of the other person as well. I also had someone tell me recently that it is hard for her when someone says “Oh it was all God.” when she gives a compliment. She said she wants to reply to that with, “Please, it wasn’t THAT good.” I know it is hard, but accept the compliment.

Lastly…Share your gifts. The first time someone gave me a microphone and asked me to speak publicly I did a horrible job. I mean just awful. Then the person gave me a microphone again and I stunk it up less. Now people compliment my sharing. I still have a long way to go before I would say I am really awesome at speaking but I don’t think I suck anymore. Gifts are refined over time. Use them and see how God is shaping you. Take a chance. It may take a while to feel comfortable doing whatever it is you are doing but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have gifts to offer.

This whole concept is hard to put into practice, that is: understanding your value. But please hear me when I say this, YOU DO HAVE VALUE! YOU DO MATTER! YOU ARE LOVED AND THERE IS REASON TO HOPE! So thank you in advance for being you, because the you that you truly are, is really, really cool!


Nate Stewart

National Director of Mental Health for Celebrate Recovery



Easier said than done

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to give advice than to receive it? I had a conversation with someone in which they admitted that they were struggling, and I was listening to them. A person I had reached out to many times before in my dark moments, a person who had sat and listened to me, provided empathy and support, and was there for me. That’s the beauty of accountability and sponsorship. This particular day, they had reached out to me. During that conversation, one particular statement they said stuck out to me: “I hate being on this side of the conversation.” Hearing this from this person, this vulnerable, outspoken person, I would never have expected to have heard it. However, I did not even have to ask “why.” I already knew the why.

Giving advice internally produces within us a level of power, of understanding, of coming from a place of stability. When we give advice, we are telling someone about something that hopefully we already know about, where we’ve been, and what we know. When someone asks us a question that we know the answer to, there is a level of confidence in being able to answer that question correctly, to avoid appearing incompetent to others. On the flip side, receiving advice can internally produce within us a sense of helplessness, of powerlessness, a fear of misunderstanding and instability. It is this fear of appearing incompetent, helpless, and powerless which often keeps us from reaching out and asking for help. (When I am talking about advice, I am not talking about fixing someone. I’m more talking along the lines of guidance and support, much as we do as accountability partners and sponsors. We ask the difficult questions, make sure they are on track, and provide support and guidance when needed. Just wanted to clarify.)

So when my friend said that they hated being on that side of the conversation, I completely understood. Many times in my recovery I have been afraid to reach out for help. I have been afraid to admit that I am stuck, that I am emotionally drained, that I need someone to help me break the cycle of insanity that I have found myself in yet again. After being so used to being the one to provide guidance and support, I oftentimes fail to realize when I need to be on the other side of the conversation.

I have had to really work on learning to be open to the support and guidance that others have had for me instead of pretending to be a know-it-all, to know what I am doing in my recovery. I mean, if I really knew what I was doing I wouldn’t be stuck in the insanity cycle would I? If I knew what I was doing then I would in fact be playing God and we all know how dangerous that can be. Therefore, I had to learn to open up to others, to actively listen to their words of guidance and support. That meant I had to TRUST them. After years and years of hurt and pain, I did not want to trust anyone else. Being able to trust others is easier said than done. Actually practicing the advice we are given is easier said than done. Even following the 12 steps on a daily basis is easier said than done.

“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”

Proverbs 19:20-21

If I continue to provide advice yet refuse to accept it myself, then I am not working my recovery. To be a leader, one must learn to be a follower, and thus I must also continue to listen to advice and accept discipline so that I may be counted among the wise. As Nate has said before, I cannot ask someone to do what I myself am unwilling to do. Regardless of my own plans, my own self-advice, my own level of stubbornness, the Lord’s purpose is going to prevail as He has promised. If I am to be more like Christ, then I need to continue to listen to advice and accept discipline, not fight it. Working recovery is hard, so very hard at times. Yet it’s the daily persistence that keeps me coming back, the daily reminder that hardship is the pathway to peace just as the Serenity Prayer says. This is my recovery.

Yes, recovery is easier said than done. But…isn’t a better life worth a little struggle?

Thank you for letting me share.

April Brantley, CR Mental Health Team X-Factor

Hurry up and Rest

Today marks day 210 in which I have worked straight, and I’m talking 7 days a week. I don’t say this to brag or to boast, or to emit pity or sympathy. I say this because if I am going to work my recovery, then I need to continue to follow the steps. Step 5 states that “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Principle 4, “Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.”

You see, I made a conscious choice to work 7 days a week because I wanted to get through my graduate degree as quickly as I could, and to get a lower tuition bill because let’s be honest here: education is very expensive and if carrying a full course load was going to save me a lot of money, then hey, let’s do that right? So for 2 1/2 years I’ve been attending school full time and working full time. About a year and a half into it, I began to burn out, become weary, yet I refused to back down and take a break. So I pushed myself, ignored my pain detector, and ignored the increasing warning signs from my body that I was pushing a little too hard. I just knew that I could manage a full time work schedule, full time graduate school schedule, part time CR volunteer schedule, and still maintain my home and family life. I put off spending time with my parents and my sister because I knew that as soon as I got finished, they’d still be there and I’d have plenty of time after school to do it. So about a year and a half into it, I was really falling apart. My pain was so loud at that point yet I had ignored it for so long that it became a necessary way of life. It became a comfort. God screams to us in our pain…yet I was completely ignoring it. Little did I know what message God had for me.

The well known verse of Matthew 11:28 “Come me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” I kept hearing the whispers of that verse yet I refused to acknowledge it. Rest? I couldn’t rest, I had to keep going! In my stubbornness, I was in denial that I needed to rest. There’s no rest for the weary, right? I had a goal, a plan, and nothing was going to stop me, apparently not even God, as I stubbornly continued down that path, refusing to rest. In fact, I didn’t even know what it meant to rest. On the seventh day God rested, after He had finished all His work. I misconstrued this in my mind to reassure myself that I could not stop until I was finished. But…I failed to define what it was that needed to be finished. It was a cycle of insanity…that would never end.

After those 1 1/2 years, things began to happen in my life that blind-sighted me, things I never thought would have happened. I wanted to end my life. I wanted to end my life at a time it was revealed that my Mom was fighting for hers. Talk about a heavy blow. I was pretty much forced to slow down at that point. God yet again saved me from myself. Instead of focusing so much on myself, I was asked to follow a different path, a different plan than the one I had already set my heart on. God asked me to walk my mother to Him, and told me that I would be walking back without her. It was as if I was living out Romans 12:1-2:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”


You would think that would have slowed me down…but it did not. Still, I stubbornly pressed on until my body physically began to break down. I began to get sick. I began to struggle deeply with my mental health and emotional regulation. I rarely get sick. However recently, I found myself out of commission for a full week with a very nasty virus which ended up in pneumonia. I had no choice then, I HAD to rest. I physically could not get up anymore. That’s what God had been trying to tell me all along. I’ve been so busy trying to play God and follow my own path, that I have failed to listen out for Him and His messages to me. God did not give up on me. I finally asked him what it meant to rest, and He told me. And now I confess this fault in my stubbornness to listen to God and the truths that He had for me. I have found myself astray and now I am working my way back to making a daily time with God.

For me, to rest means that I need to take the time out of my busy schedule to talk with God, to listen to what He has to say. To ask Him for discernment for HIS will in my life, not the will that I had been executing on my own. I’ve been trying to do this on my own for so long I forgot that I had left God behind. Instead of listening when God told me to rest, I stubbornly told God that it wasn’t good enough, that there was more I could do. I had begun to play God. And this, my friends, is what I am admitting to you today. It’s time to revisit that step and take that daily inventory.



If I am to be more like Christ, then I need to honor Him by resting. Thank you for letting me share.

April Brantley, CR Mental Health Team X-Factor